Surviving.......The JOURNEY

 Well its more of the same old crap.  enclosing the latest communication from the jailer  Then my thoughts.   Fact, it is almost impossible or me to make it outside without help.  I have NOT been checked on now for over 2 weeks.  They do know that I am still alive cause I go to the bathroom and have gro. delivered.  At least the kid brings them down to my room . Especially since he drives my car that I don't have access to, he doesn't even have a DL and he is over 21.  I also pay the insurance under the guise of the boy is buying the dog food for my dogs, a 30lb bag when I was going thru a 40/50 b bag. They complain about my dogs getting up early but make no consideration of maybe they have to go to bathroom and then they are punished by using a cattle prod type instrument to punish them for whining or barking.  And of course, they are not allowed in my room cause I might let them pee in it.  I am not a child. If they would let me h...

 So much time has passed  I have lost the will to live life. I am not in danger of self harm, I just want to cease living.  I have not pleasure. Can't be with my dogs.  I have to walk on eggshells. If I speak I am wrong if I don't speak I am wrong.  My son keeps threatening to send me back to the nursing home. I asked him why he wa being so mean and he said he was being kind allowing me to live in his home.  How does anyone thrive in that kind of environment?  I am so lost and wonder why I was allowed to live. this is not living /  I am not even existing. i don't understand this life I have, if thats what you want to call it,  I should have died in comparison to this life.  I wear diapers and constantly changing them.  Very hard for me to stand up and not fall over.  This is not life, Its torture,  There is no quality of life here, It is made apparent to me that I am not welcome here, especially after what my son said to m...

 I never imagined my life as it is today.  Isolated from my friends, fearing that I will be homeless because my son is pussy whipped.  I am living in fear of not enough food or the kind I like.  I have no rights here, as the dog across hallway barks all day long when owner isn't home.  I have been told to just deal with it,  This way of living is what I didn't want m mom and dad to have.  And I saw to it that she didn't have to live that way.  I so much want to die, I live with the threat of every day, that if I don't like it here they will send me back to the nursing home. I battle these thoughts every day.  My son has abandonded me to the hatefulness of his "christian" wife..  What a joke and its all on me.   Fear is something I have lived most of my life with,  I never thought that my son would leave me like he has..My stomach feels like a fire going most times.  This morning I am doing my best to straighten up my ...

  opps, Help me I've fallen and I can't get up . Ya, didn't hurt myself, but I was on the floor. Interesting situation, I could have called for help BUT I needed to see if I could get up on my own. YES I did it. Took a while, but I did it. I had a really bad night, I'm having allergies get me then. I can't imagine what is causing it. Bummer. But it means that I don't sleep. And I am doing my best to not take the Tylenol. Ok, I am reminded that I have been thru hell the last year. Therapist says don't be so hard on yourself. I really don't know how not to be. I feel like a failure. My definition? Having to depend on someone else for anything. I know, cry me a river...Living on the Hill, I would just do what I please. Continuing my skills of problem solving, which I excelled at. And now I have encountered a problem that I am unable to solve, and thus a failure. When I put my mind on finding a solution, I find that my physical limitations are...

Its been almost 3 weeks since I've changed addresses.  I have done my best to do it all myself.  OK I admit defeat.  I can work on accepting this stage of the recovery.  It goes against the very grain of my being,  I don't like being weak.   Maybe that's where the humility comes in.  There is still so much I need help with.  I tried to do my shower today and fell.  Managed  to get up and give myself a sponge bath.  Finally  made it back to my chair. Rested and then lunch was brought to me, made me so happy.   I finally was able to clean up my room and I moved the printer over to the dresser, I set in my wheel chair to accomplish these tasks. I guess necessity brings about inventions.   I do feel like a very cruel joke has been played on me.  I am so tired, so tired  I am feeling lost. Unsure of my future. Do I have a future?  The stomach issues are back. not as bad as before, but need Tyl...

 That means a trip to Durango.  With the walker,     I made the transfers fine, and walking pretty good. I didn't eat lunch, thought I would be ok until I got back,  HA  thats what I get for thinking. My visit went well,  The drama started trying to get home.   I couldn't get my transport to answer phone, I was hungry and tired.  So I texted Daphne and let her know what was going on, she finally got a hold of someone and said that they were on their way. Another HA.  The transporter didn't have a clue how to load me and I fell, cut my shin open again. Muscles were stretched that hadn't been.  Now I really am keeping it all together, didn;t say anything nasty,  YOU would be proud, actually by then I was just too tired, LOL  Anyway the young lady asked if I needed anything and I asked if she had anything to snack on, she had a pbj sandwich, which she had taken a bite out of, Ok beggers can't be choosers. Took off t...