Truth

 It has now been 6 months since i have been at son's.  Today I am writing this to update my closest friends.  If you respond to this, please don't do it on FB.  

This has been a journey with its own bad challenges.  My son has turned into a very angry and unkind man.  I do not recogonize who he is. He is disrepectful and at times really mean.  yes he is own man, as much as I would like to blame someone else.  

I was not allowed to bring any of my stuff here except what I had at nursing home.  Nothing familiar, nothing to comfort me, Nothing. 

The dogs were here but I was forbidden to have them in my room.  Why...because they might pee on the carpet.  What I am a child?  Yesterday I caused a real shite storm by getting up and walking to the back where they are kept in kennels. And brought them to my room, I recieved an angry call and I was told, TOLD to get them out of the room.  Made him so mad at what I told him, he hung up the phone.  I had texted him about my little car and told him I was going to start driving, and I was informed that no, I wasn't capable of driving and I would need a dr.s note.  I told him did he have something that says that. Then he told me that I would have to repay the registeration fee and the alternater they put on car.  I told him, NO.  Of course that pissed him off. They have allow the son to drive it for 1.5 years  He has NO drivers license and NO job.  I kept the insurance up and in exchange he would buy the dog food.  Since He won't be driving the care I was told to buy dog food  Ok,  

Now this is how the last 6 mots have gone.  He wants to know what I spend my money on.  Really.  I don't eat with them, nor prepare food in her kitchen cause she is hostile to me, she has told me that I am disrepectful and entitled.  So I made the decision to stay in my room,  they put up a fuss and delayed me getting a caregiver by saying they couldn't come when she wasn't home, they pulled that stunt for over a month.  One of the head honchos had a little talk with DIL and my caregiver started the next week.  DIL pulls this all the time.  She out and out lies.  I would post on FB how great she was to me to keep the peace.

I was told to take my trash out to the can outside,  She didn't want her son to smell it. At that time I was still falling.  So I stored it up for 2 weeks and then a care giver took it out.  

The food thing started cause I left a nice note asking them to replace some of my food.  She left me a nasty message.  I think I might have posted it in a earlier blog.  Now almost have everything I need, the microwave should be here tomorrow.  I am having to spend money for things I already own, just not allowed to have in her house.

Now keep in mind, she is a good "christain".  And this has really been hard on my spiritual part of my life.  The spiritual has been as great a challenge as everything else.  I am 2nd generation COG  and been thru way more than a person should.  People just don't understand just because you have God in your life, that you are able to be strong.  I know from my last 71 years.  There are some days I am just able to pray for strength to go the next minute and that I will not go to the dark place.  The quality of my life is not good.

I try to do some kind of art,,  Then I find I have to buy it.  Once again I have a ton of stuff.  I worked hard to acquire it.  Its not that I can't let go of the material, but it burns my butt that its being wasted   

I want to acknowledge all my friends who have prayed for me.  It's not that I no longer pray, just that God has said no. 

I pay 100. rent,  she wanted 400.00  I get NO help from them  2 times I fell and couldn't get up that they did come in and got me up.  Even when I was going out to prepare my food, No assistance, no offer to help.  

I have been very discouraged, feeling no purpose in life,  Questioning WHY ME.  Whats the use of my life having to live this way.  I haven't wanted to do any kind of art work.  The passion is gone.  I try, and  then give up,,I NEED a purpose.

Today I met with my therapist and its the first time in weeks that I felt like I had a future.  That I wanted a future.

The relationship with my son?  I don't walk in his shoes, It really hurts my heart to see him treat me this way.  Yes I want revenge, and yet I know its not Gods way.  There is a battle going on,  I think of Christ on the cross when he asked his Father if he had forsaken him.  I have felt the same way. 

I do believe once I get my own place things will improve.  Having familiar things and of course the dogs.  There is a place I'm looking at, Who knows,  its out in the county, just off one of the roads near Cortez.