Living in fear

 I never imagined my life as it is today.  Isolated from my friends, fearing that I will be homeless because my son is pussy whipped.  I am living in fear of not enough food or the kind I like.  I have no rights here, as the dog across hallway barks all day long when owner isn't home.  I have been told to just deal with it,  This way of living is what I didn't want m mom and dad to have.  And I saw to it that she didn't have to live that way.  I so much want to die, I live with the threat of every day, that if I don't like it here they will send me back to the nursing home. I battle these thoughts every day.  My son has abandonded me to the hatefulness of his "christian" wife..  What a joke and its all on me.  

Fear is something I have lived most of my life with,  I never thought that my son would leave me like he has..My stomach feels like a fire going most times.  This morning I am doing my best to straighten up my room and the moving around upset my stomach so much I had the dry heavs. Managed to get my pill down to settle it.  Then I had another fall into the wall.  Don't know what I would have done had I not been able to get myself up.  The family does NOT check on me.  It would serve them right If I was to croak off.  /They wouldn't find me till I stunk up the place.  now that thought makes me smile.

The following is a text I got from the "christain"

You shouldn't have to pay anything. Really? You use the internet, the water, the electricity, the dishes, the laundry soap to wash your clothes and towels, and you have trash. Yet you shouldn't have to help with anything. You have a room and a place to live that's not the nursing home. Matthew and I take care of your dogs, make sure they are fed and go outside, and clean up after them, and you. I have not asked for much of anything in the 2 months you have been here, yet you continue to disrespect me in my house, and feel you are entitled to do whatever you want. Then you leave me a note to replace your food when I told you to begin with to label your food so everyone knows what's yours.

. and she reminds me that this is her house just deal with it,  I don't know how to deal with this kind of hate.  She wins, She has turned Michael into a chickenshit.  He is not taking care of his mother, not being kind, he told me they got me out of nursing home thats how kind he is and if I didn't like it he would take me back.  Very helpful.  I don't think so.

So I continue living in fear and as far as praying goes, I  pray, but I am still here.  I battle with the feelings of wanting justice and revenge and some kind of payback and I know its wrong,, then I would lower myself to her level.  I cant relly take any more of this kind of treatment.  She bullys me and it brings up a lot of old trauma,



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