So much time has passed  I have lost the will to live life. I am not in danger of self harm, I just want to cease living.  I have not pleasure. Can't be with my dogs.  I have to walk on eggshells. If I speak I am wrong if I don't speak I am wrong.  My son keeps threatening to send me back to the nursing home. I asked him why he wa being so mean and he said he was being kind allowing me to live in his home.  How does anyone thrive in that kind of environment?  I am so lost and wonder why I was allowed to live. this is not living /  I am not even existing.

i don't understand this life I have, if thats what you want to call it,  I should have died in comparison to this life.  I wear diapers and constantly changing them.  Very hard for me to stand up and not fall over.  This is not life, Its torture,  There is no quality of life here, It is made apparent to me that I am not welcome here, especially after what my son said to me.  I have to forgive him, but the dynamic er had is gone, I cannot trust him. I am losing my will to even try.  I have no independence, no self worth, I don't know what to do.  Ive tried to do my art work, my heart is just not in it.  I don't care what happens to me. Just let me die.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Truth

 It has now been 6 months since i have been at son's.  Today I am writing this to update my closest friends.  If you respond to this, please don't do it on FB.   This has been a journey with its own bad challenges.  My son has turned into a very angry and unkind man.  I do not recogonize who he is. He is disrepectful and at times really mean.  yes he is own man, as much as I would like to blame someone else.   I was not allowed to bring any of my stuff here except what I had at nursing home.  Nothing familiar, nothing to comfort me, Nothing.  The dogs were here but I was forbidden to have them in my room.  Why...because they might pee on the carpet.  What I am a child?  Yesterday I caused a real shite storm by getting up and walking to the back where they are kept in kennels. And brought them to my room, I recieved an angry call and I was told, TOLD to get them out of the room.  Made him so mad at what I tol...
Read more

The Beginning

Image
  Hi there, this is a true story of my journey, thus far surviving West Nile Virus. My name is Bonnie and I'm 70 years old. In August of 2023 I apparently was bitten by a mosquito carrying the West Nile Virus.  I was in a coma for 4 weeks.  As I began to wake up, I had no recollection of the events leading up to this. I was also diagnosed with encephalitis and was septic.  I was hallucinating big black rats running across the ceiling and it was snowing black snow. I remember screaming and screaming. My family told me they could see my mouth moving but there was no sound coming out. I vaguely remember the doctor telling me I had given them quite a scare.   I had my 70th birthday while in the coma. The nurses were so sweet to me, they bought me a stuffed teddy bear and drew a "Happy Birthday" on the wipe off board.  The other thing I remember is my friend Gail who was at my side, praying for me. I don't remember much those first few days. I was confused...
Read more

Without help. without hope

Image
 Well its more of the same old crap.  enclosing the latest communication from the jailer  Then my thoughts.   Fact, it is almost impossible or me to make it outside without help.  I have NOT been checked on now for over 2 weeks.  They do know that I am still alive cause I go to the bathroom and have gro. delivered.  At least the kid brings them down to my room . Especially since he drives my car that I don't have access to, he doesn't even have a DL and he is over 21.  I also pay the insurance under the guise of the boy is buying the dog food for my dogs, a 30lb bag when I was going thru a 40/50 b bag. They complain about my dogs getting up early but make no consideration of maybe they have to go to bathroom and then they are punished by using a cattle prod type instrument to punish them for whining or barking.  And of course, they are not allowed in my room cause I might let them pee in it.  I am not a child. If they would let me h...
Read more