Without help. without hope

 Well its more of the same old crap.  enclosing the latest communication from the jailer  Then my thoughts.  

Fact, it is almost impossible or me to make it outside without help.  I have NOT been checked on now for over 2 weeks.  They do know that I am still alive cause I go to the bathroom and have gro. delivered.  At least the kid brings them down to my room . Especially since he drives my car that I don't have access to, he doesn't even have a DL and he is over 21.  I also pay the insurance under the guise of the boy is buying the dog food for my dogs, a 30lb bag when I was going thru a 40/50 b bag. They complain about my dogs getting up early but make no consideration of maybe they have to go to bathroom and then they are punished by using a cattle prod type instrument to punish them for whining or barking.  And of course, they are not allowed in my room cause I might let them pee in it.  I am not a child. If they would let me have them, we both would be happier, to say the least.  Can you understand why my mental health is so bad. Why I cry all the time, while my ulcer goes crazy, the ulcer they repaired while in coma, cause it was bleeding.  Why I get discouraged and feel hopeless and helpless?   The kid is allowed to have his dog and a cat in his room and when kid is gone the dog never shuts up and even with my door shut, my brother and sis in law asked what that barking noise was while on a phone call to them.  They couldn't believe that this is what I have to put up with.  

I pray and pray but am still discouraged, wasn't getting West Nile enough. why didn't die?  What is my purpose?  I have experienced the most horrible trauma in my  life, I always had hope, always bounced back only to have it all taken away.  This time is different.  

Patience for what....?  More of the same abuse, More of the trauma, More of the abuse? I never complained to my son, I would ask for help occasionally, always paid back the money I borrowed, hell, he used to slip me money and told me to keep quiet about it.  So its hard to understand what has changed in /or with my son.   And now right back go the fear, I have NO protector, that was my son. I never had a real proter but myself.  Fighting for everything everyone, fighting bullies, just fighting to survive, fighting to live till one day I didn't want to.  Given a second chance, after losing everything for for a 3 rd time.  Losing hopes and dreams.  What do I live for now?  Oh don't worry I am not going to harm  myself.  I'm just waiting for what? a miracle, thats what they tell me, really to this suffering to this abuse?  I am tired, so very tired.  I think i have earned the right to ask WHY  Or maybe not.

AND as far as the trash goes, it will stay in room until hell freezes over.

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