The Faith of a mustard seed

 I have been thinking of this for quite a while.  Do I even have that?  I have endured a lot of hellish trials in my life.  And not questioned to much as the why.  Although I have discovered that this could be the root of where bitterness comes in.  The why me?  What did I do or not do?  I have been reminded of Job and his trials and then God's blessings upon him. In no way do I pretend to be like Job.  Sometimes I just would like some answers.

My children have endured me being their mother. Raising them in what I now come to believe was a cult. I still suffer from the effects of that Church, I can't imagine how they deal with it.  They do not attend any church.  Evidently I failed at that job

I have asked myself so many times, do I even have faith. How do I know?  Is my expectation of being blessed to high?  Should I even have expectations?  We are told from the pulpit to ask God for fulfilling his promises.  But what I hear is "there will always be the poor among you".  I have a lot of talents, and yet they are not blessed. I just wish I could shut down and exist. But I don't know how and live with that. 

This horrible trial of the West Nile Virus, should have killed me.  Why didn't it. So that I could lose everything? And I do mean everything. Ever time something good is happening to me, it gets taken away.  So how does one keep the faith, even as much as a mustard seed?

I feel lost, I am lost.  I want my life back.  I want my independence back,  My life is not worth the loss I have endured,  The what if's, I can't  get the future out of my mind, is this nursing home my future?  I hope not.  It's not living, its barely existing. 

Is the seed planted in me.  I wonder, where has my faith gone?


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